WASHINGTON D.C.
In a move administration officials are calling “a bold reassertion of biological destiny,” the White House unveiled sweeping new federal guidelines Tuesday that criminalize sexual relations between men under six feet tall and adult women, except within the bounds of marriage.
The executive order, titled “Restoring Genetic Excellence in the Homeland,” establishes what aides describe as the first-ever “height-based consent framework” in American jurisprudence. Under the new statute, any sexual encounter entered into by an unmarried man below the 72-inch threshold constitutes prima facie evidence of statutory rape, a federal crime carrying penalties of up to 15 years in prison and mandatory lifetime registration on the National Sex Offender Registry.
“We’re taking a stand for the future of American exceptionalism,” said Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche. “The data is unambiguous. Modern dating apps, evolutionary psychology journals, and our own internal data confirm what nature has already shown. We’re simply codifying biological reality into federal law.”
The administration’s 47-page guidance cites research indicating that 94% of women regret past relations with short men. Academic studies on the female brain showed empirical evidence that exposure to men under six feet produced measurable cortisol spikes and biological revulsion consistent with non-consensual intercourse.
The executive order’s second provision directs the Department of Health and Human Services to explore subsidized testosterone supplementation, where necessary, for all six-foot-plus males. The proposed “Vigilance Through Virility” program would provide ongoing testosterone therapy, with copays waived for men willing to submit to fertility monitoring.
“The fact is, there is no such thing as a ‘short king.’ For far too long, inadequate men have been operating with a dangerous level of impunity in the sexual marketplace,” stated Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. “This administration believes in equality under the law, but we also believe in biology. And biology says tall men make tall sons, and tall sons make America great.”
Kennedy also remarked that the law is likely to significantly reduce the need for abortions, citing evidence that many women seek to end pregnancies after regretful or accidental encounters with men who are biologically unfit. The law now places the onus on diminutive men to establish explicit consent through marriage, thus ensuring women’s safety and satisfaction.
Civil liberties groups have raised concerns about the constitutionality of the height-based restrictions. However, administration officials dismissed these objections, noting that men under six feet are still legally capable of starting families and procreating just as before. “Look, nobody’s saying short men can’t participate in society,” an unnamed senior HHS official clarified. “They can still date and they’re welcome to pursue meaningful relationships. We’re simply asking that they gain enthusiastic written consent through a legal and religious framework that we’re all familiar with.”
When reached for comment, President Trump, whose official medical records represent his height as 6’3”, stated: “My son Barron is very tall. He’s a great example of why we need this law. I think women are going to be very happy.”
